Harry Potter And The Messed Up Fan Theories

tumblr_mt705es11u1rnyvr8o1_500It was 1997 when the world changed forever…

J.K. Rowling released the very first of seven magical novels that would influence and inspire whole generations of little wizards and witches.

Scarily, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone is, as of June this year, 19 years old. I’ll give everyone who was old enough to read it when it first came out a moment to let that sink in. You good? Okay, moving on.

This book was and still is a phenomenon and the beginning of a story that really shaped and changed the lives of its devoted readers. And devoted these readers are!

According to Fanfiction.net, there are over 752 thousand fanfictions about the Harry Potter book series. Keep in mind that those are only the ones on Fanfiction.net. There are probably thousands more lurking about the darkest parts of the Internet.

I’d love to write about the five craziest Harry Potter fanfictions out there, but that stuff gets dirty to a criminal extent.

That leads us on to the real topic of this magical article: five crazy Harry Potter fan theories that will make you want to cast obliviate onto your own mind.

dreams-we-enter-world-entirely-our-ownHARRY DREAMED IT ALL

Everyone is familiar with this popular fan theory. We rational adults all agree that kids can be pretty imaginative, and that magic is (depressingly) not real. So, would it be so crazy if Harry just dreamed it all?

What if Harry really did wake up in his little closet under the stairs at the end of the Deathly Hallows? What if he had never met Hermione, Ron or Ginny, never realised he was a boss-ass Quidditch player, or the hero the wizarding world needed? Well, the wizarding would wouldn’t have needed a hero because, in this theory, it doesn’t exist. A little dark but…unfortunately, viable.


tumblr_nvnx2vbkq91uy3ut1o6_r1_540You can’t have a bloody page with one of the three Dursley’s in it without being told some way that they are right horrible folk. Really, child services should have come for Harry a long time ago, if you think about it. He was kept under the stairs, for Merlin’s sake!

But the point is, Harry’s aunt, uncle and cousin are always pissed at him. They’re lovely to each other but can’t be anything but horrible to him.

We always supposed this was because of their hatred for anything magical and unordinary, but what if the Horcrux Voldermort put in Harry is causing that?

Petunia Durley’s sister Lily, who was Harry’s mother, died the night that the Harry Horcrux was created, so perhaps its magic compels Harry’s family to always be scornful with him?

We saw Ron become bad tempered and…annoying as hell, to be frank, when he was under the influence of the locket Horcrux.

Is it such a stretch to imagine that after the Horcrux in Harry was removed that the Dursley’s perhaps became more well-mannered towards the Boy Who Lived?


Ever heard the expression, “to be old and wise, first you must be young and crazy?” Well, it’s very plain through the whole series that Albus Dumbledore is an old and undoubtedly wise man, whereas Ron Weasley is young and crazy. Could Ron grow into the wise, old Dumbledore?

Attentive readers may spot some similarities between Dumbledore and Ron. Large hands, a love for sweets and chocolate, both red heads (Dumbledore sported red hair in his younger days, before donning the majestic grey beard) and both even sustained injuries to their left legs in their lives.

As shown in the Prisoner of Azkaban, Dumbledore has a great knowledge of Time Turners – a knowledge which he passes onto Hermione Granger, who marries Ron Weasley!

Is it hard to imagine that she bestowed her knowledge to her best friend turned husband, which he used as a very, very old man to go back to 90’s Hogwarts? Outlandish, but feasible.

anigif_enhanced-29923-1433174538-3NEVILLE WAS NEVER A BAD WIZARD – JUST A BIT OF AN IDIOT

When it comes to Neville Longbottom, we know he is 1. A ditzy, clumsy but well-meaning idiot, and 2. He is powerful when he puts his mind to it. He took out Nagini the Horcrux snake, for god’s sake, and would have been the Chosen One had Harry not been about.

But still, in his early years at Hogwarts, he is constantly making a mess of his magic despite his best efforts. We all put this down to him being a crappy wizard, but what if he was just holding his wand in the wrong hand?

What if he was actually extremely powerful, and a brilliant wizard, but just a bit of a tit who was using the wrong hand to perform spells with? Who knows what Neville might have achieved if he just used the right one?

tumblr_inline_notz3mYdWa1s8wp3s_500DUMBLEDORE HIRED LOCKHEART FOR A LAUGH

Old Dumbledore does some right questionable actions in his six years with Harry and the gang at Hogwarts, and before that as well. He basically trained Harry up to die at the right time.

For all his wisdom and morality, he was a bit of a weirdo who wouldn’t close a school when his students lives are in danger, and cancelled ALL exams one year as a gift to the kids (what about fifth and seventh years doing the serious adult exams, Albus? You do realise they have no qualifications?)

With all the whacky things Dumbledore does, would it be so out of line for him to hire a random, useless, idiotic celebrity as a professor, just to watch it all go tits up?

Probably not.

4e04e2f7684c651e896a807aee003c632998eca0HERE’S ONE FOR FREE

Hufflepuff was the stoner house.

But you probably already knew that.

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